Emotional boundaries matter
If you’ve been reading Good to Mama for a while, you know that I used to be awful at setting boundaries. Really awful. In college, in every job after, and then in marriage and family life – I was the “yes” person. A realization came during a particularly challenging job after grad school: the only person who could set boundaries was me. No one else was going do to for me. So, I had to figure out what my boundaries were, and then practice actually using those boundaries. Neither was easy – and I had to relearn everything in motherhood – but it’s been a much happier ride since!
Most of what helps us balance work, school, and relationships are boundaries around what we will or won’t do. I will prioritize going to bed at 9pm, even if that means I can’t watch a movie with my husband. I won’tanswer emails or texts during dinner, that’s family time. I will ask my husband to take the newborn when I need a nap, even if I feel guilty.
But something came up this past week that got me thinking about emotional boundaries. It came up in the context of Lasagna Love: a Lasagna Mama asked how to keep from getting too emotionally invested in the families we all get matched to for delivering meals. The more I thought about the answer, the more I realized that emotional boundaries are something that we as women and moms struggle with in many, many circumstances.
As someone who’s always had an instinct to care for others - on the scale of zero to empathic I’m about an 11 - I’ve struggled with emotional boundaries time and time again. Not only did I jump to get involved when I saw someone in pain, I also internalize their pain and struggle. A suicidal friend in high school. A college classmate who went through a horrible sexual trauma. On the surface this seems like not such a bad thing – and jumping into help wasn’t. But internalizing their pain was unhealthy and prevented me from being able to help in a practical way. Empathy can be powerful, but also destructive if not channeled properly. (Just think of Phoebe from Charmed, when she first gets her power! Ok yup I’m a nerd).
So, how do we set emotional boundaries?
First let me be clear – I never want to lose the part of me that cares deeply about others. It’s part of what makes me an awesome mom, a good friend, and it’s the driving force behind both Good to Mama and Lasagna Love. But when do I need to set emotional boundaries to protect myself? While everyone is different, I can share what has worked for me.
Recognize when someone needs more help than I can give. I think part of me wants to fix everything when someone is struggling, and it’s hard to admit when I can’t. But sometimes a person needs more help than we can reasonably give. Whether that’s our time, our money, or more expertise than we have, I’ve had to learn when my role is to connect someone with someone else, instead of trying to do all the helping on my own.
Limit how much someone else’s feelings become my own. I’m a big fan of putting myself in someone else’s shoes. I think it’s a powerful exercise that promotes understanding, reduces judgement, and can bring us closer together. But. I can also find myself consumed by someone else’s feelings, if I’m not careful. I’ve had to work on being aware of when doing this is helpful, and when I’ve carried it too far and am damaging my own psyche and letting someone else’s pain swallow me.
Genuinely come to terms with the idea that I can’t help anyone if I’m not taking care of myself. If I become emotionally burned out, I’m not going to be able to help anyone with anything. This was maybe the hardest, because it felt like I was being selfish. But the thing is, it’s not selfish to prioritize your own well-being, especially when you’re a mom and have so many people depending on you.
Decide what I’m willing to sacrifice, and what I’m not. This one starts to cross the line from emotional boundary to practical boundary, but I think it’s worth including. I ask myself: do I have an extra hour or two a day? Do I have an extra $500? And just as important: what will I be giving up if I redirect that time, energy or money? What will that mean for myself, my family, my kids, my work? To stop and make the choice proactively means I’m setting the boundary ahead of time, instead of looking back a week, a month, a year later and wondering what happened. Heck, if I didn’t ask myself these questions I would adopt every stray kitten that needed a warm cuddle, but then I’d be sacrificing my marriage to a cat-antagonist. Sure, that’s a funny example, but I hope it also illustrates what I mean.
This is not to say that I have it all figured out. I still struggle with setting emotional boundaries, but I’m much, much better than I was 5, 10, 20 years ago. And, I haven’t lost my empathy in the process – rather I’ve figured out how I can channel it. Honestly, I think that’s enabled me to help even more people, to have even more of an impact, and to do it in a way that’s more sustainable. In many ways I think it’s also helped me to be a better mom, wife, and friend: ultimately, that is what I’m here for.