How I (re)-learned the importance of setting goals as a team

Alright mamas, it’s almost March. How are your goals for 2021? What are they? Just as important, who knows about them?

In case anyone else is facing some challenges pursuing their goals, I thought I would share a little about I’ve re-learned in the last six months. I say re-learned because while this is all stuff I knew, it’s really easy to forget it when you’re in the thick of it.

In the middle of 2020, my and my husband’s goals diverged, significantly. The divergence isn’t the challenge though – two people can have very different goals and hardly notice. The issues come when two people’s goals are in direct conflict with each other. Think about this family: one parent decides they want to try Keto, the other parent decides they want to try vegan. One has an emphasis on meat, while the other cuts out meat entirely. Well… what do you make for dinner, if you still want to eat together every night? What if those parents both feel strongly about bringing the kids along on their new dietary journey? Enter: tension.

In my case, Lasagna Love took off like a rocket ship without any warning. My new goal partway through 2020 became all about growing Lasagna Love to feed thousands of people. But before that, my husband and I had set a goal of restructuring our business so we could work fewer hours and have more quality family time. It’s not just that my new goal was different from his – what each goal meant in terms of our day-to-day life was different. So dramatically different, that it created tension. A lot of it.

I’ll skip the fun details of September-December, and instead share what I (re)-learned. For anyone with goals and dreams for 2021, I’m sharing this in the hopes that you can get ahead and prevent some of the challenges I faced at the end of 2020.

Having your partner know – and be a part of – your goals is the foundation. I think one of the mistakes I made in the fall was not being clear about how much my goals had changed. Instead, I tried to pretend I could still achieve both goals; for example by staying up late and getting up early, so that during “family hours” I could be available. My husband and I spent the end of 2020 in a pretty tough spot because we weren’t communicating well. When we tried to dive in and talk about it initially, it wasn’t from a place of true understanding. It was each of us wanting to pull the other along with us. To convince the other of the superiority of our own goal, rather than to try and find common ground. Only when we changed our mindset and had the conversation from the perspective of “how can I support and be a part of your goal” did we start to get somewhere.

Understanding each other’s “why” is crucial. It’s one thing to just set a goal and tell your partner. It’s another to explain where this goal came from. For me, my life’s purpose for as long as I can remember has been to positively impact others. It’s been the driver behind every career choice I’ve made dating back to college, and other choices going back to when I was just a kid. My “why” for Lasagna Love is at the core of who I am as a person. For my husband, he’s been working towards financial freedom and a lifestyle focused on free time and family for decades - long since before we met. It’s just as core to him as having an impact is to me. When we were finally able to communicate the “why”, everything else became clearer.

Setting goals together makes them more likely to happen. In December we had our annual offsite – a full day where my husband and I went somewhere else, sat down, and really talked through our goals. We got clear not only on what each goal was, but made sure we were in alignment, planned out the actions we would need to take separately or tother – AND – what it genuinely meant for us to support each other. Sometimes support looks like each of us making time for the other person’s goals (e.g.: I’ll watch the kiddos on Saturday afternoons so you can learn a new watersport), and sometimes support looks like accountability (e.g.: we’ll both call each other out if we’re on our devices during family time). Sometimes it was easy, and sometimes we had to have a deep conversation about what we really wanted for ourselves and our family and why. But in the end, we left with a clearer vision, and concrete, written guides for the coming year.

There’s no such thing as “set it and forget it”. Did we have that planning session and everything has been peachy-keen since December? No! There are still moments of tension, but now we know where it’s coming from. Now we can address it when it comes up, refer back to our notes, and have a conversation. We plan on a monthly goal check-in, not just to keep our personal and family goals front of mind, but also to make sure we’re still talking about how we can be there for each other.

It’s funny: even with all the knowledge and growth my husband and I have accumulated together in the last five years, it’s still easy to forget all of the tools when you’re in the middle of it. We’re human: emotions get the better of us! But with every conversation it becomes more of a habit, and with every year we get better and stronger. I don’t know if “practice makes perfect” per se, but practice has certainly helped us navigate the challenges of life and relationships in a more positive and constructive way. So: if you have goals but you’re holding them tight to your chest, consider the power of sharing what those goals are, whether it’s with your partner, a friend, or a family member. And here’s to our 2021 goals, mamas: may we all grow and achieve our dreams this year.