How I’m building a habit of self-kindness in 2021
The new year is a time of reflection for many of us. We set new goals, new dreams, and new plans. For me, this has also been a time to reflect on the original purpose of Good to Mama. I started writing as a way to share my own journey; learning how to take better care of myself in motherhood, so I can do the things I love and take care of the people I love. So, the most important question I wanted to answer before diving into this year: how am I doing at taking care of myself? What have I learned in the last year? What’s still working for me? What’s not? And what can I do in 2021 to make sure I’m still taking care of myself?
I decided to go way back to the beginning. Here’s my story – along with the new thing I’m trying in 2021 to keep focused on what’s important.
It all started with childbirth
Everything changed with the arrival of motherhood. After Cimorene was born I experienced so many wonderful and amazing feelings that I wouldn’t trade for the world! But also, I felt like I lost my sense of identity. Before Cimorene I was an adventurer, a wife, a chef, a driven career-woman… so many things. After Cimorene was born I was a mom. And I was so wrapped up in being a mom that I forgot who I was outside of that. I think it’s a totally normal haze for moms to go through with newborn #1, but for me it stuck around long after the traditional postpartum / fourth trimester.
I realized I was taking good care of Cimorene, and okay care of the rest of the people around me that I loved, but I was not taking care of myself. Looking back, I can see the massive emotional impact that had on me. Feelings of blissful happiness at my tiny creation, yes, but interspersed with equally strong feelings of isolation, anxiety, and confusion. In addition to the emotional impact there was a physical impact on me and my health: losing focus on being good to myself landed me in the ER.
Something had to change, and it started with re-prioritizing me. Not at the expense of those around me – but with the knowledge that if I wasn’t putting my own health and happiness first, I couldn’t be truly present for the people or things I loved.
Figuring out how to be good to mama
Re-learning how to be good and kind to myself was a long journey. I started with a personal development course that my husband urged me to take; he even offered to watch Cimorene every morning while I went to a coffee shop and did my homework. That course gave me the power and the mindspace to think about what I really needed - and wanted - from motherhood. What were the things that I used to do that made me happy? That made me healthy? That made me strong? What new things could I do with Cimorene in my life? I had to re-learn to set boundaries, get better at managing my time, and add some daily practices (meditation, exercise, and more) to get back to a place of physical and emotional health.
This was a huge turning point for me, when I learned how to be good to myself again. I don’t want to mislead that it was an easy one-time fix and everything was perfect – I’ve certainly fallen off the good to mama wagon since then and had to climb back on. But I felt like me again, just with “happy, healthy mom” added to my identity.
Longing for something… more
Fast forward another year, and it still felt like something was missing from my life. (A sibling for Cimorene, you ask? Yes, but we already had that one in the oven.) I didn’t realize what was missing until December of 2019, when I went through another intense reflection on my values and what really brings me joy in life. I was doing a great job being good to myself, taking care of my family and friends, but I was missing a greater contribution: feeling like I was making the world a better place.
Turns out there’s science behind what I was feeling. There’s compelling research that says that contribution doesn’t just help others, it helps us: the people doing the giving. By now you probably all know that I write down my dreams every day. That month, one of my dreams started to be around this idea of contribution. It could be little things – like paying for the person behind me at the drive through or sending a care package to a friend who’s going through a rough patch. Or it could be big things (like accidentally starting a national movement to feed families?).
This is why I sometimes feel that Lasagna Love is a product of fate – because when the pandemic hit a couple of months later I was already looking for how to be good to those around me. It’s how I started making lasagnas for families who needed some extra love. (Though never did I imagine what it would turn into!) But with the growth of Lasagna Love, I’ve become more focused on the organizational side of things and less able to actually make lasagnas. Don’t get me wrong, running Lasagna Love still falls in the bucket of contribution, but I’m realizing it doesn’t have the same impact as making and delivering the lasagnas myself did. For 2021, I want to find my way back to kindness at the ground level – person to person.
What this all means for January 2021
While I want to find my way back to kindness to others, I also don’t want to make sure I’m not losing sight of being good to myself. Remember how I mentioned falling off the good to mama wagon once in a while? Well, usually that happens when there are big changes in my life. And right now, I have some big changes in my life: say hello to pregnancy + rapidly scaling nonprofit + moving (yup, again). It’s the perfect storm for everything falling apart, and I want to get ahead of it this time.
So, I’m kicking 2021 off with a kindness challenge. Every day I’m writing down one way I’m going to be kind to myself, and one way I’m going to be kind to someone else. I’ve learned from writing down my gratitude and my dreams every morning that a daily practice has a huge impact on how I feel, and how I approach each day. If I can put kindness front and center, I know the power it will have on my well-being. And of course, if you’re up the challenge I’d love for you to join me!!