How to have honest, constructive conversations with your partner
For Valentine’s Day, I wrote about the top six things that have helped Slava and I reignite our passion after having kids. The very first item on the list was having open, honest, and uncharged communication. But… how? This was probably one of the hardest things to learn how to do, because the very nature of being sleep-deprived (both of us) and hormonal (me) meant that our emotions were 100% ruling the roost. While every couple is different, here are the four pieces of advice we heard along the way that really stuck and worked for us. While we don’t remember to do all of these things all the time, we’re working on it!
1. Know what pushes each other’s buttons in a conversation, and then don’t do those things.
There are certain phrases that both Slava and I know will irk the other person. The weird thing? We used to say those during arguments - on purpose - letting our emotions run the show. The problem is, pushing each others’ buttons didn’t get us to a solution – it just got us deeper in the argument and typically left us both mad and trying to cool down on our own. (Or in my case, not trying to cool down, and instead running through in my head all the reasons why I was right and he was wrong. Super helpful, right?) Now we’re very conscious of what will escalate a disagreement, and we just don’t do those things.
2. Speak from the heart.
If my husband and I find that we’re disagreeing and it is escalating, one of us will try to catch it and say “let’s speak from the heart”. Then we’ll both stop, physically put our hands over our hearts, take a deep breath, and then say what we wanted to say. It’s amazing what a difference this makes! When I’m reminded to speak from a place of love, the words I use are different, the tone I use is different, and my body language is different. I’m still communicating that I’m hurt, or frustrated, or whatever it is, but I’m doing it in a way where my husband doesn’t feel attacked. Instead, we both know that we’re having this conversation because we love each other and want to get stronger as a couple.
3. Don’t talk when you’re angry.
For example: I come home, my husband has forgotten to put the wet laundry in the dryer, and I’m mad because Moseah’s pajamas won’t dry in time for bedtime. That moment is not the time to talk to him about it. It charges the conversation and makes it difficult – if not impossible – to speak from the heart. So instead I now make a mental note of whatever it was that frustrated me, and then we talk about it later when I’m in a better mood. Is this hard to do? Yes. Because when I’m mad, I want to show that I’m mad. I feel like it will leave a stronger impression and be more likely to change his behavior in the future. But that’s not what happens – it’s actually the opposite. Now that I’ve trained myself to wait, we have productive discussions instead of fights.
4. Ask this in your mind: do you want to win, or do you want to be happy?
At my core, I have this feeling that I have to be right or something is wrong with me. (Oh hey, inner perfectionist. Can you maybe take a vacation sometime?) Just knowing this about myself has been super helpful, because sometimes in a disagreement I’m arguing just to win. Asking this question helps me realize what I’m doing, which then gives me the choice to stop doing it. If I can acknowledge that I would rather be happy than be right, I’m able to let go of some of the silly stuff. It also makes it easier to see the rationale in whatever it is my husband is saying. Then all of a sudden we’re having a conversation, and not a fight. Everybody wins!!
None of this stuff happened overnight. It happened in stages – we’d hear one piece of advice, try it, try it again, keep trying it, until it either worked for us or didn’t. Then we’d hear another piece of advice, and so on. But it also didn’t take as long as I thought it would – it feels like each of these pieces became a habit in just a couple of months. Stacking all of them together, and I honestly can’t tell you the last time we had a fight that truly escalated to a point where we both walked away angry.