What happened to us? Six secrets to reignite passion after baby
Ingredients
2 sleep-deprived adults
1 or more tiny humans permanently attached to boobs
1 body that’s been through the ringer
1 zillion post-partum hormonal shifts
A perceived or real inequity in childcare and housework
Directions
Yeah, right.
The reality is, everything changed after I had kids. I had waaaaayyyy more things to do, and less time to do them in. One of the first things that went out the window - after taking care of myself - was taking care of my relationship. So how, now three years into parenthood, do Slava and I have a relationship that’s stronger than ever? When I sat down to think about it, there are six things that I think we changed that ultimately brought passion back into our marriage.
1. Open, honest, uncharged communication
What didn’t work: the times when things got rough between us were often the times when I wasn’t telling my husband how I was feeling. Or, I was telling him in a very emotional, charged state. I was bottling up the frustration and resentment and then… POP! Not the sparkly good kind of champagne pop. The I’m-screaming-at-you-in-the-car-because-I-just-can’t-hold-in-in-anymore kind of pop.
What’s worked: learning to have conversations more regularly, and instead of having them when we’re in the middle of being angry or frustrated, we wait until we’re in a better mental place. That way we can speak from a place of love, which is when we’re able to resolve things (like who gets up with the baby when) instead of just bickering.
2. Mentally making your other half a priority
What didn’t work: Telling myself that my number 1 priority from childbirth on was to be an exceptional mother.
What’s worked: When I talked about the process I use for my goals, I mentioned the journal that I use every morning, right? Well the first dream that I write down every day, after writing down what I’m grateful for, is “I am an exceptional wife”. I’ve been writing it down daily since August. That means I think about it every single morning, which shapes how I act each day. It’s not that being an exceptional mother isn’t on the list – but it’s no longer priority number 1.
3. Engaging in daily physical touch
What didn’t work: For somewhere between 2 and 5 months after each of my children were born, I was “touched out”. My husband would touch me, and I would basically recoil. The challenge is, physical touch is a critical, biochemical part of how we connect and bond. A therapist specializing in maternal mental health writes that being touched out is “your body saying ‘You’re reaching your limit here. You need a break.’ It’s a warning sign to you that it’s time to recharge.”
What’s worked: To combat being touched out, she actually recommends physical touch, but touch that doesn’t have to do with caregiving. A hug. A massage. She also recommends preventing getting touched out in the first place by building time for yourself into your routine; another reason to be good to mama.
4. Knowing each other’s love languages
What didn’t work: How I feel love (through receiving thoughtful gifts, or through someone doing something for me like folding my laundry) was also how I showed love. But my husband hates gifts, and he barely notices when I fold his laundry. He feels love by the words I’m saying, and through physical touch. I wasn’t focused on those. Especially in the stress after having a baby, that mismatch sent us down a path where neither of us felt loved. Total danger zone.
What’s worked: If I’m being honest, the first time someone told me “hey, take this love languages quiz” I was like: yeah no. I don’t “do” online quizzes, especially not one that sounds so clichéd. But then my husband took it, and so I had to take it, and DAMN if it didn’t highlight the exact issue we were having: we were using our own love language to express love, instead of the other person’s love language. Once we had this information, we each created new habits that made the other person feel what we were trying to show them.
5. Having date night
What didn’t work: Day after day of not having time alone for the two of us to reconnect.
What’s worked: Getting creative since we can’t always afford to hire a babysitter and go out to a fancy dinner. Sometimes we would ask my father in law to come over for an hour after the kids were in bed to watch the baby monitor, and we would go for a walk around the neighborhood. Sometimes we have a lunch date in the middle of a workday. Whatever it is: I needed physical time away from the babies, with just my husband, to regain the identity of wife and lover after my kids were born.
6. Making time for sex
What didn’t work: Without sex, we were basically just roommates raising kids together. Yes: the timeline for sex post-birth is different for every mama. However, I’ll say from experience that I used childbirth as a reason for not having sex looooong after it was an actual reason. I think a lot of it was fear – my body had changed, what if it wasn’t the same as before, I didn’t feel attractive or sexy. Some of it was sheer exhaustion. Some of it was wrapped up in the feelings of resentment. Some of it was because I felt ‘touched out’.
What’s worked: When I finally started making time for sex, our relationship got much stronger. But that only happened after I addressed the previous five points because for me - and most women I know - sex is emotional. Communication, physical touch, feeling loved, date nights – all of that make me feel more emotionally secure post-baby. Add in making sex a priority (also part of my morning journal routine) and everything has started to click.
Why is this so important?
None of this stuff was easy to figure out. It’s taken us three years, and a lot of ups and downs to get here. But one day, Cimorene and Moseah will grow up and leave the house and become wonderful, independent adults (even though I’m in complete denial that day will ever come). My relationship with Slava is the one that will last until I’m old. This is a time when I can choose to grow with Slava, or risk us growing in different directions.