How to say no to holiday presents for your kids
Yesterday I spent ten hours moving everything out of our storage unit into our new home. We have so. Much. Stuff. I asked the movers to organize it when they brought everything in – kitchen boxes to the kitchen, our boxes to our room, kids boxes to the kids room, etc. Our kids are two-and-a-half and 10 months old, and yet their pile of boxes basically touches the ceiling in their room, with no room to walk. WHAT THE HECK?!
We’ve already been through one round of Marie Kondo on our first storage unit, and we’re planning to do it with all of our stuff from this unit BEFORE we unpack and put everything away. (#sundayfunday??) But, I ask myself, how did we even get to this point?! Ok if I’m honest, a lot of it is me buying them stuff. And then there’s the stuff they grew out of but I’m holding onto it in hopes of baby #3. BUT: there’s also the birthdays, Hannukah, Christmas, un-birthdays (that’s when they get a present on their sibling’s birthday so they don’t feel left out) and then the “we just saw this and it was sooooo cute!”. And that, my friends, is where so much of this comes from.
With the holidays just around the corner, I’ve seen SO many moms posting questions that basically go like this: “how do I tell my parents/in-laws/sister/aunt/uncle/Barbara-from-down-the-street that I really don’t want them to get my kids a lot of stuff for the holidays, without sounding like an ungrateful jerk?!” I found myself asking this same exact question a little over a year ago.
Before we get into the options, let’s understand where this is coming from. Babies and kids are awesome. It’s basically written into a grandparents’ contract to spoil their grandkids. And for a lot of people, gifts are how they express love. For me, knowing that their giving is coming from a good place made it easier to have the conversations I was afraid to have. It was also important for me to take some time to reflect on why I don’t want my kids to have more stuff. For you, the reason might be different from mine, so take a few minutes to think about it. Here’s some examples to get your thoughts going:
Small apartment, no space?
People don’t buy what you’d want your kids to have?
Your kids get too many presents, and you’re worried they’re not appreciative?
Just generally against consumerism?
Why is this helpful? Well, different reasons will pull you towards different solutions. Also, being able to explain your reason to the people who love you can make a big difference in how they respond! So, once you have your reasons, what can you do about it?
Option 1: suck it up. I’d argue that this isn’t a great strategy, but it’s certainly an option. This is basically what I did the first year after Cimorene was born. I am a peacemaker, have been my whole life. I hated conflict and would do just about anything to avoid it, including bringing toys into my house that I didn’t have room for, didn’t align with my values for how I wanted to raise my kids, or I just didn’t like. Is it an option? Yes. Did it work out well for me? Well, I can tell you there’s a lot of very happy kids out there with brand new clothes and toys they got from Goodwill. So: if you really, really can’t bring yourself to say anything, just accept the toys gracefully, and give them away to someone who can appreciate them. But I can also tell you doing this caused me anxiety: “what if they come over and ask where the toy is?!” So I’d also encourage you to also consider…
Option 2: be proactive. There are things that we actually do need (or want) for our children, so keep a list anytime you think of something. I have one on my phone. For example: eventually your kids will grow bigger – maybe you can ask people to get them one size up in clothing and tell them the two or three brands you really like. Heck, even send them LINKS to the things you like! Or if you know your kid is going to want or need something big in the next year - let’s say a bike - you can ask them to give you an I.O.U. to help pay for it. I knew Cimorene would eventually want a play kitchen, but we’ve been nomadic for the last year so don’t have a place to put it yet. So, my mom “gave” it to her, but we haven’t actually bought it yet. This is also nice because then Cimorene get the actual “thing” not during the holidays, when she’s already overloaded with presents. It spreads the joy out.
Option 3: ask for presence, not presents. Ultimately your friends/parents/relatives are coming from a place of love. If you really don’t want them to buy you anything, have that conversation. For me, these conversations are super hard, because I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings. Here’s what helped me: make sure you’re in the right mindset first (maybe even put your hands over your heart and think about how much you truly love them!) Acknowledge their feelings first: “I know you love our kids so much, and we can’t tell you how grateful we are for that love and support!” Then explain to them the WHY behind your feelings. “we’re feeling really short on space” or “we really don’t want our kids to have so many toys that they don’t appreciate each one” or “we’re trying to live more minimally; we’ve been watching this Marie Kondo lady”. Whatever it is, be honest. Then ask them to please not get your kids any material things. If they still really want to get a gift, here’s some options:
Spend a day with your kids doing something they love to do (BONUS, you get a day to yourself!)
Donate in your child’s name, maybe to an organization that helps other children
Contribute to a college fund
Get something consumable (their favorite snack, for example)
If they’re really stuck on “things”, get something off the list you created in option 2
Are there some people that will simply bulldoze and give your kids something anyway? Sure. In that case, refer to option #1, but do it from a place of gratitude and understanding instead of frustration. And, make friends with the guy at Goodwill.
Option 4: say yes, conditionally. My dad and stepmother completely respect our desire to not have too much stuff in our house, but they still like buying things for our kids. Which has turned out great actually. Now they’ll buy the kids something but say “this is to stay at our house, not yours.” So now my kids have a great collection of toys whenever we go to visit, instead of us having to bring a boatload of stuff! For grandparents or siblings or anywhere that your kids spend some time, this can be a really good compromise.
Happy holidays! And, wish me and my two-and-a-half year old luck going Marie Kondo on the kids room this Sunday…