Judgment, insecurity, and motherhood
I’ve said this before, but after some recent experiences I think it bears saying again: one of the biggest gifts we can give to each other as moms is to Just. Stop. Judging!
In parenting - and in womanhood, but let’s take one topic at a time - there is so much outside pressure from the media to do things “right”. Not to mention the pressure from well-intended family members, and the pressure we put on ourselves. But here’s the thing… “right” means something different to each and every one of us. How we were raised, the experiences we had growing up, the things we’ve read, seen, and done… all of this has shaped a set of values that’s unique to us. And that’s wonderful! To the mom who’s #1 priority is environmental sustainability and decides to go all in on cloth diapers: yes! You do cloth diapers! To the other mom who doesn’t have a laundry machine at home and who’s #1 priority is making the newborn experience as easy as possible: yes! You do disposables! (I’ve done both.) The same goes for natural childbirth vs. epidural, breastfeeding vs. formula, baby-led-weaning vs. purees, day-care vs. nanny, how much TV, how much sugar… the list goes on and on until our kids decide what college (or – gasp! - not). Each one of these is a very personally informed choice.
Every mom is different. Every motherhood experience is different. What worked for me might not work for you. The values I was taught might differ from the values you were taught. That we even have these choices, that we are so lucky to have the knowledge and the freedom to choose one thing over another – that is a gift.
tcanva when we all come to motherhood with our own desires, values, and beliefs?
I think one reason is because we also come to motherhood with a whole lot of insecurity. If I’m insecure about my own choices as a mom (and heck, who isn’t at some point?!) one way to feel more confident is to convince myself – and those around me – the other choice is a wrong choice. If I’m getting up every three hours at night to breastfeed, month after month, while another mom is getting full nights of sleep with a baby on formula, I might feel really unsure that my own sleep loss is worth the effort. To feel more confident in my choice? Breastfeeding is right, formula feeding is wrong. (Note: I’ve also done both.)
So then… what can I do as a mom to change this?
Get comfortable with the idea of insecurity. Awareness is always the first step. If I’m not willing to acknowledge that my judging other moms might come from my own insecurities, there’s no path forward. So, I’ve taught myself: if I’m starting to feel judgmental I ask, where is this coming from? Why do I have such strong beliefs about this? Is it possible I have some degree of insecurity around this topic?
Replace insecurity with confidence. The only person who can make me feel insecure is ME. It’s a choice I make – however subconscious – and I’m the only one who can truly reverse it. The road to building confidence is a very personal one, but what’s worked for me is a lot of focus on mindset, being surrounded by people who also have strong self-confidence, and firing (yup, I said it) anyone in my circle who makes me feel less than. Life is too short not to be surrounded by people who truly love and value me, and people who put me down just aren’t in that category.
Put yourself in another mama’s shoes. If I notice I’m looking at another mom’s actions and starting to think “why in the world would she…” I stop myself. What experiences or beliefs could that mom have that have led her down a different path? Putting myself in another mom’s shoes and coming up with reasons why I would have made her choice is incredibly powerful. Not only in eliminating judgement, but about helping me have a greater understanding of moms, women, and the world.
But why does this even matter, you ask? I think judgement is one of key things that makes motherhood so difficult and keeps us from building stronger mom communities. I believe replacing judgement with confidence, kindness, and understanding would go a long, long way to making us all happier and healthier. It may not be an easy path, but I’m watching more and more moms give it a try. And that, mamas, makes my heart soar.