Being an "exceptional" mom
Some of you already know this from past posts, but I write down my dreams and goals every morning. It’s an incredible practice that I learned years ago from Tony Robbins, and perfected with the help of Rachel Hollis. It helps me stay centered and be intentional about what I do and how I act that day. One of the goals I’ve been writing down for a while now is “be an exceptional mother”. But his past weekend while talking through my goals with my husband I had a moment – what does that even mean?
I realized that ‘exceptional mother’ is incredibly subjective and comes with all sorts of strings attached. Turns out I was putting other people’s ideas of ‘exceptional mother into my own, which in turn was causing some guilt and anxiety around how I was doing. So, I put some time into thinking – what was I really trying to achieve with this goal? What does exceptional mean to me? What do I genuinely want out of my relationship with my kids?
Even if you don’t write down a goal every day, most moms that I know have some kind of thought in their head that they want to “be a great mom”. But here’s the thing: being a great mom will look different for everyone. For some moms, it means they’re unfailingly patient with their kids. For others, it means their kids are learning specific skills or values. For still others it’s about the quantity, or the quality of time they’re spending. When I wrote ‘exceptional’ and didn’t give it any color, I was putting pressure on myself to be ‘exceptional’ by other people’s standards. What do ‘exceptional’ moms do? They get up early and make pancakes and fresh squeezed orange juice, go off and have a stellar career to model success for their daughters, come home and make the kids’ favorite dinner from scratch, are smiling the whole time (and wearing heels, apparently?), read extra stories at bedtime, and then stay up planning extra fun, COVID-safe activities for the weekend. Right. I have no idea where that vision came from, but I’m going to guess it has something to do with media and advertising (and probably some inner insecurities I’ll unpack down the road!).
That external definition of exceptional is – quite frankly – stressful. And for me, it’s not actually what I want! It doesn’t describe the relationship I have with my kids, or what they’re learning, or the people they’re becoming. For me, I realized what I want is to be exceptionally close with each of my kids in the long run. For my husband, it means he wants to be exceptionally present with our kids when he’s with them. There are values I want them to internalize, and above all I want them to be happy little munchkins.
Why is this important? The words we choose shape our behavior. It helps us choose not only what we do, but also what we don’t do. For my husband: his definition of exceptional means all electronic devices go away when he’s with our kids, even if it’s the middle of the workday. For me, it means I’m spending more one-on-one time with each of our kids and trying to find a new balance between discipline and empathy. Being exceptionally close with my kids is not accomplished by wearing heels and making fresh squeezed orange juice. But for you, being an exceptional mom might mean making that fresh squeezed orange juice every morning! In no way am I saying that’s wrong: I’m saying it’s important to actively choose to do those things because they are a part of your definition of ‘exceptional’ – not someone else’s.
If we don’t define what being an exceptional mom looks like for ourselves, then we end up with this perception of what ‘exceptional’ should look like (and you all know I think should is a dirty word). Then comes all sorts of feelings when we don’t measure up, and that’s just not true. The only person we need to measure up to is ourselves, and our own goals. So, mama, what does being an ‘exceptional mom’ look like for you?