#momguilt part 2: battling the pressures of society
After last week’s post about mom guilt my husband said to me “I’m really glad you wrote that. I had no idea mom guilt was a thing.” Really? I thought. Hmm. “Do you ever feel dad guilt?” I asked. “Nope!” He says. We have two kids, we talk about everything, and somehow mom guilt has never come up as a topic. How is that possible?!
Also: why the difference between us? Is it because as a mom I’m genetically wired to feel mom guilt? Maybe. I’m wired to care deeply for my children, so perhaps I’m more likely to feel guilt when I don’t put them first and foremost. But I think there’s also another culprit. I don’t know about you, but it feels like society is almost telling me that a certain amount of guilt is to be expected. Is even necessary if I’m being a good mom. I don’t see that for fathers (curious if any dad’s reading this feel like it exists?) For example:
The pressure to raise successful children. I think I bought five books on how to raise a bilingual child. Five! While Cimorene understands Russian and Spanish, I can’t get her to speak them no matter what. So clearly, I failed to read all five books. Hello, guilt. But then again who has that kind of time with a newborn?
The pressure to ‘have it all’. Love the idea of equality, think we’re defining it a little wonky. As a mom in 2020 I feel like I *should* have a career, raise great children, keep up a healthy marriage, and still do anything else that was already on my plate pre-kids. When I can’t, am I failing as a feminist? Guilt. But that’s not really pursuing equality. After having children, one study showed that men’s total work increased by 12.5 hours per week (that includes paid work, housework, and childcare), while women’s total work increased by 21 hours; 70% more. So, are we actually just working our butts off?
The pressure to be a perfect mom. Thanks, Instagram and Facebook. While I love how many people are becoming successful on these platforms by being authentic and vulnerable, the fact is I still follow the women who have perfectly styled living rooms, who can poach eggs without them looking like something my daughter made with play-doh, or who can somehow wear white pants with staying at home with toddlers. Then I feel guilty that I don’t live up to those standards. But for most of us, those standards are inhuman.
There are many things that make a good mom, but guilt, in my opinion, is not on the list. That’s just bananas. But how do we combat mom guilt if society is basically expecting us to feel it? Last week’s strategies will still work, but next week I’ll share a few bonus strategies as well. In the meantime, I would love to hear your stories about what pressures from society you’re feeling! Send me a note here.