Still feeling guilty, mama? Extra combat strategies to the rescue!
Last week I talked about the societal pressures that contribute to mom guilt, and the week before that I shared some strategies for dealing with mom guilt when it’s a result of values being in conflict. In case those strategies don’t always work, I always keep a few extra up my sleeve. Here they are.
#1: Seeing mom guilt as a blessing
For some of us, mom guilt is the privilege of having a choice. Would I feel mom guilt about my parenting approach if I didn’t have the privilege of buying all these books on parenting, and knowing that there’s different parenting philosophies? Probably not. Would I feel mom guilt about going to work vs. staying home if I didn’t have the privilege of having a degree and a job I love, but also have a husband who could support us if necessary? Also, probably not. And the big one: would I feel mom guilt if I didn’t have the privilege of bringing these two adorable munchkins into my life, when so many hopeful women struggle to even get pregnant? Nope. Sometimes for me, just recognizing that I’m so lucky to have these choices helps stop the mom guilt, because I can switch to a feeling of gratitude. And I’ll take gratitude over guilt any day.
#2: Recognizing that guilt isn’t always bad
There are two situations where mom guilt is appropriate: learning, and healing. See combat strategy #2 from two weeks ago – if I feel guilt, and I stop and notice it and learn from it, that’s great. Guilt can tell you things about yourself if you’re willing to listen. That story I wrote about holding the door shut to try and get Cimorene to nap? I learned SO MUCH that day about who I want to be as a parent, and what triggers me to lose my s**t. Alternatively, if I’m feeling guilty because I’ve hurt someone, that’s a healthy form of guilt. After that nap experience I apologized to Cimorene, because I know I hurt her feelings with my actions.
#3: Stopping the cycle
You know what’s one thing that perpetrates mom guilt? Mom’s judging other moms, because their values don’t align with ours. If we can all strive towards compassion for each other instead of judgement, that will go a long way towards helping to stomp out the mom guilt epidemic. I put this into practice last week. I was sitting in a café, and a few tables over there was a mom with two kids older than mine. As she helped her daughter with homework, I heard her say “Come on! ‘They are.’ ‘They are.’ ‘They’re.’ It’s easy to spell. You made that same mistake this morning. I’m tired of seeing you make that mistake. Make a different one.” My instinct was to cringe. But I made myself think – you know what? I’m not her. I don’t know her kids. Maybe she didn’t sleep last night. Maybe her kid does this on purpose to push her buttons. Maybe she’s actually teasing her daughter, and I just don’t know her tone of voice. Maybe this approach works for her kids. Or maybe, at the end of the day, she’s going to look back and feel guilty because she didn’t live her parenting values with her kids today. And if I want to give myself grace in those moments, then I should practice giving her grace, too.
#4 Share the guilt, it can be healing
One last thought: perhaps tell the people around you when you’re feeling mom guilt. Not in a way that’s meant to get pity, but in a way that’s meant to get help to fight it. Share the cause of your guilt so there’s awareness, and so that the people that love you can tell you you’re being ridiculous. If my husband had known about my mom guilt for the last two and a half years, you bet that’s what he would have done!
Ok I lied, two last thoughts. Mom guilt can very easily cross the line over into mom shame, and that’s an even nastier feeling place to be. I can start by feeling guilt, but then because of that guilt start telling myself I’m a bad mom, or I’m messing up my kids, and then it starts to spiral. And it’s much harder to get out of a shame spiral than it is to nix the mom guilt. Here’s three things from the shame expert, Brené Brown, if you feel like you’re slipping in that direction.
Go forth, mamas, and fight the mom guilt!