On the one-year anniversary of LL, I realize I’m reluctant to be proud

A few weeks ago I was on a zoom call with someone who asked if I was proud of what I started with Lasagna Love. I immediately hesitated and wasn’t sure what to say. I felt pride on the inside, but I also felt a strong sense of guilt acknowledging that pride. I had never actually openly said, not even to my husband, that I was proud of what Lasagna Love had become. It was something I held close inside, like a dirty secret, like something I didn’t want people to know about me.

To this particular woman I was honest though, and said “actually I am, but I also oddly feel guilty in that pride”. She spoke some words of encouragement, but that moment led me to a few days of unpacking the complexity of my emotions.

Being a proud woman

As women I think there’s quite a bit of tension around pride, even today in 2021. Historically, boasting wasn’t ladylike. Our pride – if we had it – was best demonstrated quietly, almost stoically. Yes, this is changing, but for those of us that grew up in the 80s and 90s (and earlier) this is what was most often modeled for us on TV, in movies, and by the women around us.

Even today there are still remnants of this antiquated societal expectation for women. Need evidence? Look to the data behind Sheryl Sandberg’s “Ban Bossy” campaign, the discourse around Hillary Clinton’s personality and presence (that we would never have had about a male candidate), and perhaps most poignantly – our own hesitation to genuinely own our successes.

Interestingly, as women I also think we unintentionally reinforce this for each other. I’ve seen women cut other women down for openly demonstrating their pride: name calling, behind the back gossip, sometimes even a collective effort to “put her in her place”. But have I ever seen men do the same thing? Not really. Pats on the back, general celebratory agreement, and genuine admiration. That’s not to say there aren’t places where women come together to celebrate confidence and success. When I attended the RISE Business conference a couple of years ago, it was full of women lifting up other women for what they had accomplished. But it was a space carefully crafted for just that purpose – that hasn’t been my day-to-day experience.

My own struggle

In this particular instance with Lasagna Love, I think part of my guilt around feeling proud is that Lasagna Love exists to serve. It only came to be because of a global crisis. Part of me feels like the success of this organization isn’t something to celebrate, because it’s built on the struggles of so many families. Yes, we’re here to help those families. Yes, we’re having an impact every single day. But how can I be proud of something that’s grounded in so much suffering?

But I know that’s not the only reason, because it’s not the only time I’ve felt guilt, or downplayed my role, or been timid about how proud I am of something I’ve done. It’s happened over and over, with just about every accomplishment I can think of in the last decade and a half. I’m a product of my generation, and experience has taught me that it’s risky to be a proud woman. I think back to times in middle school, high school, and even college when I did share that I was proud of an accomplishment, and my female peers make it clear that pride was not acceptable. To this day, I think I’m struggling with the fear of that disapproval, or of others’ perceptions of me. If someone hears that I’m proud, will they think less of me? Will they think I’m being boastful? Will they get a whole group of people to write a note saying how conceited and awful I am, and deliver it to me during math class? (True story, thank you 8th grade.) These fears not only shape what I’m willing to say, they also shape how I feel about myself.

Reconciling my feelings of guilt and pride 

By chance (or not, as I like to believe) after the conversation with this woman I found myself on the phone with one of the wisest people I know. Completely unrelated, we got into a conversation about pride, humility, and arrogance, and the relationship between the three. He said something like:

Pride and humility are happily congruous. Pride and arrogance are not.

This was exactly what I needed to hear that day, and it started to chip away at my own feelings of guilt. To be proud isn’t the flaw: it’s how that pride manifests that matters. As women I think this is both empowering but also incredibly complicated. Humility does not equal silence. But humility does involve a degree of modesty, and here’s where I think we’ve gotten tripped up: because for women modesty has been made synonymous with self-deprecation. (I hesitated to even use the word modesty here, because of the weight the word carries.) But I think in our hearts we know the difference.

Like with everything self-discovery I’ve written about here, this is going to be a journey. I wish I could say I had this overnight transformation and now, boom!! I’m filled with the confidence to be openly proud. Nope! But it’s a journey I’m excited to be on, most importantly because I have a daughter. Which brings me to the core of why this topic is weighing so heavily on me.

What this means as a mama

My husband tells my daughter on a weekly (sometimes daily) basis how proud he is of what mama has done and isn’t Cimorene proud, too? But you know what? In a whole year, not once have I told Cimorene that I’m proud of myself. I’m literally crying as I write that sentence, because it’s so painful for me to think that I’m unintentionally teaching her the same thing – other people can be proud of women, but women don’t show that they’re proud of themselves. For me, that ends now. I may have to practice for years to be able to tell friends, strangers, whoever that I’m proud of myself. (Ok maybe not years since I’m telling all of you right now, but you’re if you’re still reading this after 1000 words I feel like I can trust you!). But I can start telling my daughter TODAY. And so I am. And I’m telling you, too. Mamas: it’s ok to be proud. You’ve done incredible things. Own them. Share them! If you’re not ready to share them with anyone else, share them with me!! Together, let’s lift each other up. Together, let’s celebrate our accomplishments. Together, let’s make this a world where our daughters can be proud without feeling guilt or fear. Together, let’s be proud.