This week has been a tough one for this mama

Some weeks are just tough as a parent. This has been one of those weeks. I don’t often (if ever?) write about these weeks until after the fact, when I feel like I’ve got it all figured out and have some wisdom to share. But you know what? I think that sharing the hot mess that is parenting right smack dab in the middle of it could be a good thing for all of us. So here we go.

Two nights ago, I sat at my computer googling “how to parent a strong-willed child”, after my four-year old spend a good half hour on my lap in complete hysterics. Yesterday, I was the one in near hysterics: which does not happen often. But after a week of struggling with whatever developmental changes my feisty, independent four-year-old is going through… I was out of options and out of energy. I sat on the bed, tears streaming down my face, trying to pull it together so I could keep doing what I needed to do – be a strong mama. I remember when I was little thinking my mom was supremely confident and had all the answers all the time, but now I’m sure there were times when I drove her behind closed doors to just break down (sorry mom! I love you!). These moments are real as parents, and they’re hard.

After chatting with Olivia Wherry of “Boss Ladies” earlier this week I’m going to replace my previous label of “strong-willed child” with “boss lady”. Because that’s what Cimorene is – she’s a miniature boss lady. She’s independent, has an incredible sense of self, knows what she wants and isn’t afraid to go for it, even if it takes extensive negotiation with mama and papa. Strong-willed children can grow up to be world-changers. But parenting a boss lady can be exhausting! On a regular basis I’m trying to figure out how I cultivate all these amazing characteristics, while also teaching about boundaries, and listening, and empathy. And this past week “boss lady” has somehow transitioned into “do-things-only-my-way-and-if-you-move-that-fork-one-tiny-iota-I-will-see-it-and-there-will-be-hell-to-pay!”. (Oh, I wish I was kidding. But yesterday we really spent 45 minutes in complete emotional chaos because I moved a fork). I’m in new territory that I don’t understand, don’t yet have the tools to handle, and I just want to hug my baby girl. So: what can I do differently during this new, exciting developmental phase?

I don’t know yet. All I know is that for the last five days, my daughter and I haven’t been able to spend time together without it erupting into disaster. Yesterday afternoon it was a fork. In the morning it was waffle toppings. The night before it was the order in which her papa and I brought her water. Before that it was the size of the bowl for snack-time. My typical approach of validate her feelings, talk about options, give choices and hugs, then move on? Not this week. Nothing seems to work. (Hence the late-night googling.) It’s been one session after another of tears, screaming, and me feeling like not only have the wheels have completely gone off the bus, but my GPS is broken and there’s no cell service so I can’t even find the nearest tire shop.

 Luckily, my husband and I had date-night scheduled for last night. We sat and looked at the ocean and I spilled everything I was experiencing and feeling. (C’s new behavior seems to be primarily a her-and-I dynamic, so my husband has only been on the periphery this last week). He told me “you’re spending too much time up here” and pointed to my head. “Try to spend time here” and put his hands over my heart. And he’s completely right. I’m the analyzer, the fixer, the person who when faced with a problem will go research the heck out of it until I know just about everything there is to know. And often, that’s great! And I’m still going to do that, but not today. Today I’m going to listen and feel and think with my heart. I’ll probably cry again, because even thinking about going to that heart space makes me tear up. But I’ve decided that’s ok.

So, my only learning from this week? Sometimes being good to mama isn’t about having the answers. Sometimes it’s about being patient with yourself when you literally have no idea what to do. Sometimes it’s about letting yourself cry on the bed for a while, because you love those little munchkins so much and you don’t know what else to do. Maybe next week I’ll have wisdom. But for right now, I’m just going to try and do the best I can today.