Out of energy? Maybe it's time for a momcation

It’s really, really hard for me to unplug. REALLY hard. Two weeks ago I took my first true vacation in a long time; I didn’t realize how long until I actually sat down to think about it. Sure, we travel a lot (or used to, pre-COVID). But they were never true vacations – we would go to a vacation-like spot for a few weeks, and work from there. And sure, I’d try to work shorter hours, but even a 15-minute “let me just check my email” session always led to - minimum - a couple of hours of work. (I’m not really capable of seeing a problem come in and not trying to solve it.) Did we have more free time while traveling? Yes, and that was great! But turns out there’s a difference between taking a week or two to work less, and real vacation. 

When I actually stopped to look back, I realized I haven’t taken a real vacation since before kids. (Let’s all just agree that maternity leave – while wonderful – is not a vacation, shall we?). The last real vacation I remember was in January 2016, shortly after we got married. We both left our jobs (me, management consulting; my husband, his intense and demanding start up). We took some time to travel New Zealand in a campervan, then explore all of Cuba basically the day it opened up. It was incredible. In Cuba, there was no reliable internet. To check your email you had to first go wait in a long line to buy credits, then find one of the few places you could use those credits to connect – namely a handful of higher end hotels in Havana. Then you’d go, sit and order coffee, and keep your fingers crossed that today the internet would actually be functioning. If all these stars aligned, you’d be waiting at 1990’s AOL dial up speeds for the most basic pages to load. (Tethering to your laptop? HAH!) Bottom line: need to force yourself to unplug? I’m sure the infrastructure has already come a long way, but 2016 Cuba was a great place to do that.

We’ve taken plenty of trips since then, but I’ve never truly stopped working. I didn’t realize the impact that had until last week. When I truly, truly unplugged, I found that my mind started to work differently. My body started to heal in ways that I didn’t even know it was broken. Five days in my husband looks at me and out of nowhere says: “you look much healthier”. At first, I was a little offended at the implication that the week before, I didn’t look healthy, but I quickly replaced that feeling with a desire to understand what he meant. “You just looked really tired all the time”. And you know what? He was right. I had kept it to myself, but I had noticed that with this third baby, there was no pregnancy glow. Just… tired. Pretty much always. I assumed it was being pregnant at 37 (side note: can we talk later about the phrase “geriatric pregnancy”?!) but deep down I think I knew that there was more to the story.

The excuses I had been telling myself

So where did my inability to take a break come from? Oof. Well, I’m sitting here thinking about the things I’ve said to people when I’ve taken working vacations. And with hindsight on my side, I’m unpacking what those things – or let me be honest call them excuses – truly meant. Nothing like going deep with yourself on a Thursday morning… Here goes! 

The company can’t go without me. Sounds pretty narcissistic when I put it on paper, actually. For me, turns out this was about my own inability to give up control; not about whether my team could actually do it. Taking vacation means letting go and trusting others. I’m a recovering micromanager, and so this can be a challenge! (A challenge, but also – it turns out – a great part of the recovery process.) Watching the team handle challenges and flourish while I’m gone gives me even more faith for the next vacation. Oh, and if the organization truly didn’t survive the week, that would be a pretty big indicator that I need better systems in place so that other people can replicate what I do on a daily basis. 

I love what I do, I don’t want to take a break. Yes. True. But. These are the words I was saying, but I realized underneath them was a fear that if I slowed down, I wouldn’t be able to pick back up again at the same speed. And I think that fear was founded in reality, because warp speed is only sustainable for so long. And in truth, the vacation was a much-needed recharge. Whether or not I pick back up at the same speed, I wouldn’t have been able to keep going at my pre-vacation pace without some risk of burnout or consequence to my physical and mental health. Now that I’m both physically and mentally rested, it turns out I’m better at what I do – and more effective, so I may not have to work at warp speed. 

A vacation with little kids isn’t really a vacation. In my head, I think I defined vacation as my husband and I on a tropical beach somewhere, sitting and sipping mojitos while reading a great book and relaxing in the sunshine. Add a couple of toddlers throwing sand, pooping in their swimsuits, befriending seagulls… you get the idea. It’s not the same picture. So I told myself it’s not going to really be a relaxing vacation; if I work a little it doesn’t matter. BUT. This time I replaced my old expectation with the idea that vacation is about me getting to spend some incredible quality time with C and M, and then I got excited about it. C and I took a solo trip to the aquarium. M and I got to build block towers and cuddle in bed the mornings. We cooked together, played together, and just generally bonded as a family. It was wonderful! 

That said, I do think it was important for me to have time to myself (and time with just my husband and I) on vacation. Full time mamahood isn’t a vacation even if it’s on the beach, and having some serious alone time for the first time in a while was definitely part of what helped heal my mind and body. I got a massage, read a novel, took naps, and just had time to clear my head. For us it was easier since our nanny lives and travels with us, but I also now see the attraction of resorts with built in kid clubs (which I know aren’t possible during COVID, but I’m putting them on the backburner of ideas) or taking a staycation where the kiddos still have childcare.

So there you have it: I’m a vacation convert! 

These last two weeks I’ve felt rested, energized, and like I have clearer thinking for just about everything. I’m more excited about my work. I’m better at motherhood. I also feel much closer with my kiddos. Who would have thought? (Probably all of you mamas reading this who are thinking, duh, this is what vacation is for!) But in case anyone out there has found themselves stuck the same way I have, I’m hoping that this will help kickstart some mom-cations. Even if it’s a COVID staycation, even if it’s just a weekend, and it can’t happen for another six months. I’m going to put my next vacation on the schedule to make sure it really happens, now that I get what it can do for me.