How to make sure your marriage survives COVID19
I love my husband very, very, much. We are business partners together, parents together, and we’ve undergone countless adventures together. But: as much as I love him, we were not designed to be each other’s only companion, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.
The first week of the stay at home order I looked at my husband and said: “coronavirus is going to make or break a lot of marriages”. Since then, I’ve heard stories of the stay-at-home order bringing couples closer together, and stories of the opposite.
Luckily, my husband and I have found our way into the first category, but the road to get there has been rocky. Interestingly, many of the things we’ve found that make us better don’t actually have to do with us as a couple – they have to do with taking care of ourselves individually.
Here are the five things that I’ve done that I think sent us down the positive path.
Figure out the new balance for managing the household. I talked about this last week, and I think it was one of the most important things we revisited during coronavirus. Mamas regularly picking up the slack is real, and mamas feeling resentful as a result is real. We got ahead of it, but there was quite a bit of tension in our household before we did.
Prioritize the things that give me (and him) energy. For two months before coronavirus hit, I had a fabulous morning routine before the kids woke up. After coronavirus, Slava and I started staying up late eating Ben and Jerry’s and watching TV, and so I wasn’t getting enough sleep to get up for my morning routine. I was a worse partner and a worse parent as a result. It took me over a month to realize what was going on, but now I’m back to my morning routine and feeling so much better! My husband needs to exercise every day or he turns into a bit of demon, so we both make sure he has time for that. This way we’re both doing the things that give us the energy to take care of everything else.
Don’t forget date night. With all the time we spend together just trying to make stay-at-home work for our family, we forget that we started out as two people that love each other very much and want to spend time together. Date night looks very different now, but we try and make sure one night a week is set aside for us to do something special together, even if it’s sitting outside and looking at the stars for half an hour.
Figure out what I’m missing the most and find a replacement. Whether it’s morning Starbucks or seeing my parents regularly… there are things I miss. But while I can’t have those exact things during the stay-at-home order, I can replace them with things that are similar. Making dalgona coffee has replaced going to a coffee shop, and it’s actually turned into a fun activity since my three year old loves anything that involves mixing. And, I try and FaceTime my parents just about every day. Even though we’re not seeing each other in person, I think we’re actually seeing each other more often.
Remember my gratitude practice. A few months ago I wrote about how my gratitude practice makes me less likely to yell at the lady at Starbucks. I was aiming for humor, but truly: during COVID19 gratitude has helped me focus on the good, which generally makes me a happier, more patient person. It’s so easy to focus on everything I’ve lost. It’s harder - but also more rewarding - to focus on the things I still have. Even the things I’ve gained! This morning I took a different approach to my gratitude practice. I wrote down something I would usually be frustrated by, then an equals sign, then how I’m actually grateful for that thing. For example: not getting enough sleep last night = grateful for getting to cuddle with my toddler when she woke up at 3am. Grocery stores never having what I need in stock = grateful that I can buy groceries at all. I do it first thing in the morning and it helps me start the day smiling.
When I’m good to mama by prioritizing what gives me energy, figuring out what I’m missing each day, and keeping up with my gratitude journal not only do I feel better, I’m better to those around me. When I have the hard conversations with my husband, and we figure stuff out, it makes us both feel better and ultimately brings us closer together. This is a challenge unlike we have ever faced, but I have faith that we will come out of it with a stronger marriage.