I'm still learning how to be good to mama

I don’t write about this stuff – being good to myself – because I’m always great at it. I write about it because I struggle with it. So don’t look at this from the outside and think I’ve got it all figured out, I absolutely, definitely, certainly don’t!

I can’t count the number of times I’ve fallen off the good to mama wagon since I started writing, over two years ago. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve thought I was prioritizing something for myself, when it was actually me coping with my own feelings of insecurity or guilt and letting my actions masquerade as something else. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had to go back and re-read my own writing for inspiration, to ground myself. To remind myself how to do what I know I need to do.

When baby Z was born – and really for the full 9 months, thirteen days, and two hours since – I feel like I had to start learning all over again. Having three kids is amazing and wonderful and I wouldn’t change it for the world, but it’s also absolute chaos! (At least at this age, when they’re all under 5, I’m told it gets less nutty someday?) There is never someone who doesn’t need a diaper changed, a bum wiped, a snack made, a toy fixed, a question answered, a back scratched, a redirect from climbing up the walls… and that’s just my day as a mom! Forget that I’m also a wife and want to actually have a loving marriage, not just a roommate. Forget that I have this amazing organization I want to grow to the moon. Forget that we moved to an entirely new place and I want to actually make other mom friends. There just aren’t enough hours in the day! But I can’t forget those things, because those are the things that fill me up and make me be a better diaper-changer-bum-wiper-snack-maker-toy-fixer-question-answerer-back-scratcher and engage my kids in things other than climbing up the walls.

I guess my point is – if you’re going through a hard time, if you feel like you “should” be doing something differently, if you stopped being good to yourself and don’t know how to start again – you’re not alone. This isn’t the first time I’ve walked or re-walked this path, and it won’t be the last. But each time it gets just a little easier, the steps more familiar, the pitfalls more obvious.