Would I do this if I love me?

A couple of weeks ago I had coffee with a friend, and we went deep. I’m talking Antarctic toothfish kind of deep. (Fun fact, they live about 6000 feet below sea level. Who knew?!)

If you remember, a little while ago I talked about how I don’t write about being good to mama because I’m naturally great at it. I write about it because I struggle with it and have had to figure out over and over how to be good to myself. She and I are cut from the same cloth, with similar lessons: she is a mentor to others because of what she’s had to learn to do for herself.

We got to talking about self-love and confidence and boundaries and all the things (speaking of boundaries, here’s a throwback to this post about helping my daughter learn to set hers), and she shared something she started doing recently to help her make decisions in her life. If you’re faced with a choice – however small or large – ask yourself the question: would I do this if I love me?

Would I do this if I love me, not if I love someone else (we mamas are all very good at doing things because we love others). It seems like a super simple question, but in reality it’s not. Asking yourself the question means that you understand, at some foundational level, how to love yourself. And – I’m speaking from personal experience here – often that’s not as obvious as it seems like it should be. If I love myself, I’m not worried about what other women think about me if I wear a midriff shirt at age 38. If I love myself, I’m going to say no to the extra meeting and make sure I go to the gym. If I love myself, it means I’m being good to mama and making sure I’m taking care of myself first so that I can shower love on those around me.

These examples might not resonate with you and that’s ok – great even – because loving yourself looks different for everyone. Only you know what you truly need. But: I think there are some fundamentals that don’t change, and I know for sure that there are mistakes that I’ve made in trying to pass things off as self-love. For example: doing something inauthentic and passing it off as self-love because I feel better when the people around me are happy with me – that’s not it. (Let’s talk about the two years I spent wearing Brooks Brothers and pearls! Totally lovely, but 1000% not me.) Another example: doing something repeatedly that’s unhealthy for your mind, body, or soul, and passing it off as self-love. Oh, trust me, I eat my fair share of ice cream and once-in-a-while that’s self-love, but I’ve also used “I deserve it” it as an excuse to binge and that is just me lying to myself.

Lastly, and this one was sticky for me to unpack: doing something for someone else that you don’t want to do, with the expectation that they’ll do something in return for you that will make you feel loved. This is not self-love. And here’s why this one gets tricky. I’m not saying to tell your partner or your friends no to everything they ask you to do with them simply because you have different tastes and hobbies. My husband and I have very different preferences for what we do in our spare time, but we still do things with each other that might not be our #1 favorite. But we do these things because we love and support each other – not because we’re trying to achieve tit-for-tat in a way that makes us feel loved. And I won’t do something that I downright hate, and I wouldn’t expect him to want that of me. If the thought in your mind is “if I do this, they will love me more” stop and really peel back those motivations. Especially if you’re at a time in your life right now where you’re struggling with self-love; trying to build it up using the emotions of others – while it might feel good in the moment – is ultimately unsustainable.

So that brings me to the meat of it… What are some things that would change if you started asking yourself the question, would I do this if I love me? In just the first 48 hours since my friend and I had coffee I listened to different audiobooks in the car. I sat and watched a moving with my kids instead of multitasking to get all the other things done.  I spoke differently with my husband (interestingly enough, more positively). These might be small things, but I have bigger decisions coming up. Will I use this question to always make decisions? Not necessarily. There might be things I still have to do, even if the answer to the master question is no. (Laundry still needs to be folded, my friends.) But knowing the answer, being honest with myself about the why behind my choices – that’s powerful. Just the awareness alone can start to help build up self-love, and that’s being good to yourself.