Let’s talk about struggling

I can’t believe I’m writing this, but this week I had the honor and pleasure of being interviewed by Sheinelle Jones of the Today Show. (Yup: THE Today Show). And while that’s a whole other experience to unpack, one of the things we talked about was what struggling means in the context of the pandemic. 

It came up because I’ve found, in posting our offer of free home-cooked lasagnas across the country – that a lot of moms define struggling in economic terms. I’ll get messages like “well I didn’t lose my job, but…” or “I know we’re really lucky to still have income, but…”. Those messages go on to share incredible stories of struggle. A mom with four special needs kids whose services have all been put on hold, and she’s also trying to work from home. A teacher who’s just gone back to school, and who’s trying to balance distance-teaching 30-some other kids, while also distance-learning her own kids.  A mom with a mother-in-law who just passed away from COVID, and the family hasn’t been able to cook or eat together since because that heartbreak is still so raw. 

The theme I notice is moms asking: am I struggling enough? Do I qualify? When is it ok for me to ask for help?

I think this inherently comes from a place of goodness. We moms don’t want to “take away” a meal from another mom who’s “truly” struggling (i.e. struggling more than we are). Our instinct is to care for others, before taking care of ourselves. But in doing so, we are – consciously or subconsciously – belittling our own struggles and our own need.  And Good to Mama is about flipping this on its head: instead, truly embracing that to take care of others we must first take care of ourselves. 

This doesn’t mean we wallow in our own struggles, or dive into an extended period of self-pity. What it does mean is that we feel empowered to raise our own hand when things have hit the fan, and we acknowledge our own need when it feels like maybe we could use a hand. I believe there’s enough help to go around. I believe there are enough neighbors with good hearts who want to lend a hand. I believe there is enough love and kindness that it doesn’t matter whose struggle is “worse”. In fact, let’s put the “whose struggle is worse” question on hold, because it implies a hierarchy of need that invites us to pass judgement on each other. And we mamas just don’t need that right now.

Speaking of judgement… my sense is that some moms feel like they “shouldn’t” be asking for help, not only because they don’t want to take from another mom, but also out of a fear of being judged themselves by some other mom. Of being told their struggle isn’t enough. Of being told they should be able to do this without help. 

So let’s change this, together. What will it take? It takes all of us moms feeling empowered to raise our hands and say “yes, I could use some help”.  It takes the person on the other side (in my case, our Lasagna Mamas) letting go of judgement for any mom who raises her hand. This is an unprecedented time, with unprecedented struggles that have – I believe – disproportionately impacted moms. Let’s all band together and embrace the struggle. Ultimately, being kind to ourselves is being kind to others, because we moms care for everyone around us. And the togetherness that comes from kindness to each other? That makes us undefeatable.