The new kind of labor that's taking a toll on moms

I heard this phrase a few weeks ago, and I wanted to shout from the rooftops “OMG YES YES YES THAT’S IT!”.

Emotional labor.

I argue – and please feel free to disagree if you’ve had a different experience – that moms are shouldering a disproportionate amount of the burden from the pandemic. A lot of that burden is in the physical labor – feeding the kids, homeschooling the kids, reorganizing the house to be able to work from home, buying the masks and sanitizer and who-knows-what-else to protect the family. But then there’s this whole other exhausting category that I now have a name for, and it’s emotional labor.

 We’re thinking about extra things all the time. Worrying about extra things all the time.

 We’re thinking about how to keep our families safe, and is this mask actually going to work, and what about oxygen levels, and is 6 feet science or just a number they picked, and can my kids play on an empty playground or is fomite transmission really a thing?

We’re thinking about finances, and is my job secure, or how do I find another job, and what will the next relief package look like, and where can I cut my spending so that I can afford the basics, and how long could this possibly last? 

We’re thinking about lesson plans, and how our kids can distance learn, and will in-person school start back up, and if does do I even feel safe sending my kids, and even if I don’t feel safe do I really have a choice because I have to get back to working more hours so this whole house of cards doesn’t come crashing down?

This, mamas, is emotional labor. Unseen, unheard, but exhausting. It’s always been there – it’s part of being a mom. But it’s gone through the roof since the beginning of the pandemic, and I wanted to call it out. 

Ok, great, I have a name for it. So what now? Well, here’s what I’ve done to help lessen the impact of the additional burden.

Don’t forget to take care of myself. I’ve mentioned this a couple times recently, but it’s genuinely been the most important thing for me, and so I want to say it again. When things get hectic, it’s so easy for me as a mom to prioritize taking care of others and stop doing the things that are good for me. I’ll give up exercise, I’ll give up sleep, I’ll give up my catch-up calls with friends and family. The thing is, when I give up those things it’s like a nasty spiral. If I’m not taking care of myself, I don’t have the emotional strength to handle all the thinking and the worrying in a healthy way. So, I’m figuring out how to fit things in, like exercise, even when I feel short on time and energy.

Learn to control my mindset. With all the extra thinking and worrying, it’s really easy for me to slip into a state of anxiety. That is not a fun state to be in. But I’ve spent the last few years really learning how to control my mindset, and it’s come in very handy. If I feel myself going down the worry spiral, there are a few tools I can use. My new favorite is Benjamin Zander’s approach of throwing up my hands and yelling “HOW FASCINATING!”. Or sometimes I’ll ask myself “what’s good about this problem that I’m not seeing?”, or “is this really worth spending my energy on right now?”. If it’s something that’s out of my control, the answer is no. This doesn’t eliminate the emotional labor per se, but it helps me manage the impact it has on my well-being.

Make sure my partner knows what’s going on. I’m lucky to have a husband that is truly an equal partner in our marriage, but I don’t think “emotional labor” was on his radar until I started writing this. Maybe it’s a gender difference, maybe it’s cultural, or maybe by always taking on the emotional labor myself I haven’t allowed him to experience it. Whatever the reason, it’s helped to have him aware of all the things that I’m just thinking about and worrying about. In some cases, he’s helped me spend less energy worrying just by listening. In other cases, his pragmatism has helped me figure out solutions to some of the things I’ve been endlessly thinking about.

Ask for help. We get help with the physical labor in our lives – ordering groceries instead of going to the store, having someone watch our kids – why not get help with the emotional labor? Emotional help is something I’ve been really bad at during the pandemic, because I feel so cut off from friends and family. But it turns out just picking up the phone and calling someone who can listen is a huge help – and if I’m calling another mom, turns out maybe it’s helpful for her, too. Maybe we don’t solve all the problems together, but we’re in solidarity, and there’s something powerful and relaxing in that. The key is – don’t be embarrassed to just ask!

I definitely don’t have it all figured out. Yes, there are still days when I yell “HOW CRAPPY” instead of “HOW FASCINATING”, days I get mad at my husband for not intuitively knowing when I’m feeling overwhelmed, days I know I could use help but don’t want to ask because I feel like I “should”  be able to do it all myself. But: it’s a work in progress, and I’m getting better every day.