The one thing we can all do to make #momlife infinitely easier, and it’s not what you think
This probably sounds familiar
Have you ever been at the playground with your kids, and you stop to check a text from your husband and all of a sudden your toddler has fallen down and is crying and you’re looking around thinking “oh my gosh, did any of the other moms see that? I hope not! They’ll think I’m such a bad mom!”.
Or this: I’m at the coffee shop feeding my son a bottle because my milk supply can’t keep up with his ravenous appetite. The woman next to me is breastfeeding her son and looking at me – you know those looks where you can feel the raised eyebrow, even if you can’t see it? – and I have this urge to justify to her why my son is drinking formula.
Or this story: I was six months pregnant, at the baby store looking at nursing gliders. I’m in that second trimester bubble, feeling pretty great! I’ve got my mama leggings on, high heels, and I’m rocking it. This 50-something year old woman comes over to me, completely unprompted, and tells me “you know, you really shouldn’t be wearing heels like that when you’re pregnant. What if you trip and fall? What about the baby?” You know what, Martha? Maybe I have a condition where I’m not able to walk flat footed. Or maybe I’m part of a research study where they’re looking at the effect of heel-wearing on neonatal development. Or maybe I’m just SIX MONTHS PREGANT AND I WANT TO ROCK THESE HEELS BECAUSE THEY MAKE ME FEEL GOOD AND IT’S MY BODY, AND MY BABY, SO GO TAKE A CHILL PILL!
I digress.
The ugly truth
You know what’s crappy? I’ve been on both sides in every one of those stories. I’ve been the mom checking my texts, and the mom thinking that other mom should have been paying attention. I was the mom breastfeeding my first child and feeling pretty self-righteous about it, and then I was the mom having to supplement my second child. I was the mom wearing heels, and the mom looking at another pregnant mom wearing heels thinking, man I hope she’s as good walking in those as I am, ‘cause THAT’S a serious belly! I am guilty of the thing I want to change – which is hard to own up to – but that is also how I know it’s possible to change it.
The one thing we can all change
Here’s the thing, Mamas. It’s not enough to just be good to ourselves. We have to genuinely be good to each other. We need to stop passing judgment because someone is parenting in a way that’s different from our own. And it’s not enough to just not say things out loud, we need to stop THINKING these things. Because when I think it, you still feel it, even if the words don’t come out of my mouth.
We are so hard on each other, mamas. Even if you say you’re not, even if you’re posting in your local-mama-facebook-group giving people kudos and snaps to some mamas, are you also judging some of the things other mamas are saying? Have you been on both sides of any of my stories? What about some of your own stories?
Think about it. What is a strongly held belief that you have? Something that you feel like is critical for parenting? Is it breastfeeding? Is it baby-led weaning? Is it positive discipline? Is it sleep training? Is it NOT sleep training? Whatever it is, here’s three things to try when you realize you’re starting down the mama-judgement path.
Just be kind instead.
If you catch yourself thinking “oh man, I would NEVER…” or “I can’t believe she’s…” Flip it around. Instead of “I can’t believe she’s wearing heels at six months pregnant, she’s such a bad mom” try “I can’t believe she’s wearing heels at six months pregnant, that is AWESOME that she has the confidence to do that!”
Remember there is research to support just about every parenting approach.
Don’t believe me? Check out this hilarious essay about getting your baby to fall asleep. For everything that you think is the best way, or the only way, or the right way because of a book you read, someone else thinks the opposite because of a book a book they read.
Try and put yourself in that parent’s shoes.
Since you’re not them, you don’t have all of the information. What could be true that could explain what they’re doing in a way that you would understand? I remember reading about one woman who was being “tutted” by another woman for using the handicapped bathroom, because she didn’t “look” handicapped. Just because you can’t see it from the outside doesn’t mean there isn’t a reason. You may think breastfeeding is the cat’s pajamas, and you know what? That woman formula feeding might think so too. But maybe, like me, she had that choice taken away from her. What she needs is a warm smile, not a dirty look.
Do we all have a line? Yes. For me it’s physical violence or anything said to a child that is intentionally cruel. I’m not saying that you have to condone something if it goes against your core values. BUT: I am saying that we need to really consider if something goes against our core values, or if it’s just something you wouldn’t choose to do for yourself. And that’s a big difference.
Mamahood is difficult enough on its own, and we are already hard enough on ourselves. Mamas: let’s make kindness a habit. Go be good to other mamas.