How can I teach my daughter to be better at boundaries than I was?
A few weeks ago I wrote about how I learned to set boundaries with a newborn. This week I want to talk about why as a woman raising a daughter, setting boundaries isn’t just important for me; it’s important for Cimorene. I don’t just model it for her: I help teach her to set boundaries. Why? Because in my experience, women are much worse at setting boundaries than men. If the reason for that is nurture vs. nature, I want to squash it where it starts. Here are three of the things I tell Cimorene that I hope will help to do that:
You don’t have to hug to be “nice”
No means no, even when you’re playing
You don’t have to share
You don’t have to hug to be “nice”
Little girls (and boys, but I see it more often with girls) are so often told they have to do things to be “nice”. The most common example: “You don’t want to hug your uncle/cousin/grandpa? Oh come on, be nice, give him a hug. He’ll be so sad if you don’t!” Just imagine for a minute being told, as a grown woman, that you have to embrace a random man who you see a few times a year, because if not it wasn’t “nice”? Or maybe a man you see every week, but you don’t feel like you know him that well? That’s the perspective of a little kid. And I’m concerned it teaches my daughter that she doesn’t have autonomy over her own body when it comes to affection. So instead I ask her if she wants to give a hug, and if she shakes her head I say “you don’t have to hug so-and-so goodbye if you don’t want to. Do you want to wave instead?” In this example there’s a fine line between teaching politeness and teaching boundaries, and I want to teach both. I won’t let her carte blanche ignore the person altogether, but I won’t force physical contact if it’s not wanted.
No means no, even when you’re playing
One of my favorite sounds in the world is baby giggles. I really think they were created as a means to provide mamas with moments of pure joy in the chaos that is motherhood. So, I love a good tickle fest! But if my daughter says no, or stop, I stop. If she and her dad are playing rough and she says no or stop, I make him stop. I want her to know that her voice and her desires are to be respected, especially with regard to physical contact, so that there’s no inner conflict when she’s older. Now, in the wonderful world of toddlerhood when “no” is a favorite: this doesn’t extend to things like “no I don’t want to go to bed”, or “no I don’t want to buckle into my carseat”. I’ve said before: parenting? Not black and white. My dividing line tends to be around physical touch, but I also just trust my gut.
You don’t have to share
I wrote about this a couple of weeks ago. I want to teach my daughter to stand up for herself, and that she doesn’t have to compromise her own happiness in order to make someone else happy. Anecdotally: if a little boy grabs a toy away or won’t share, I hear parents or caregivers more often brushing it off as ‘boys will be boys’, or ‘boys are rough’, or ‘he just doesn’t understand’. But when girls don’t share, they’re not being “nice” (refer to boundary 1). It’s not always the case, but there’s definitely something still gendered about sharing and niceness. So, I don’t force her to share. If she has a toy, it’s hers, and I’m fine with her standing up for herself.
How I think this will help my daughter become an empowered woman
What will all this this teach her later in life? I think it will teach her that her body is her own, and she’s the only person who’s permitted to set boundaries for her body. I think it will teach her that she doesn’t have to give something up – school, a job, a hobby she loves – for someone else. I think it will teach her that she doesn’t always have to be “nice”, especially if being “nice” compromises her own needs and values. Maybe all that’s a stretch, but maybe not. I think it will for sure teach her confidence in her own thoughts and instincts. I think it will teach her to be compassionate without losing her sense of self. I think it will teach her that it’s OK to say No, to a man, to a boss, to a friend, if saying Yes doesn’t feel right to her. And that’s what I want for my baby girl.