It's actually really ok to say yes to help
I’m really, really bad not only at asking for help, but even accepting help when it’s offered to me. The most frequent example: I’m carrying a bunch of stuff. Like, three bags of groceries, a diaper bag, my purse, the six individual items I forgot to put in my purse but grabbed from the car (water bottle, pen, pouch wrapper, phone, keys, baby toy), and at least one, if not two, children. “Can I carry something for you?” the nice man asks as I’m walking up the stairs to our apartment. “Oh no, I’m good! Do this all the time!” SERIOUSLY?! Why do I do this?!
Sure, that’s a comical example, but it wasn’t so funny when I had a newborn, a toddler, the house was a mess, there were no groceries, I hadn’t slept more than two hours in a row in over a week, I was on my last thread of sanity, and I still said “no, it’s ok, I’ve got it!”. Because no, mamas, we don’t got it. Not in a healthy way at least. Or maybe you do, but I know I didn’t actually have it all together, even when I said so.
Mamas, why does it feel so hard to ask for help when we need it? Is it some weird manifestation of pride? Is it because we’ve been fighting so long to be equal that we’ve gone overboard and have to prove we can do everything, all by ourselves? Is it because often the help is coming from a stranger, and we’re worried we’ll be judged if we say yes?
If I need help, and I’m struggling with asking or accepting what’s offered, here’s some things I try to remind myself:
When I’m offering help, it’s genuine. I’m not offering help because I feel obligated, or because I want something in return, or because I want to hold that help over someone’s head at a later date. Do those people exist? Probably, but I’m pretty sure they’re in the minority. So, if someone else is offering me help, that means it’s also probably genuine.
Helping others makes me feel awesome. Helping other people feels so good to me I think it may be addictive. It makes me feel happy, fulfilled, and tingly, like I’m a part of something greater. To me, it’s also a compliment when someone accepts my help. Saying “yes” to an offer a help is a show of vulnerability. When someone accepts my help it means they’ve decided, in that moment, that I can be trusted with that vulnerability. That alone is an incredible gift! So when someone offers me help, I remind myself that it’s an equal exchange – that I’m also giving them something in the moment that I say yes.
Karma is a thing. It’s kind of like that joke about the guy who fell down a hole, and a rabbi, priest, and monk all come by to ask if he needs help getting out. He says no, then dies in the hole. When he gets to heaven he asks God “why didn’t you save me?” God says “I sent a priest, a rabbi, and a monk to help you! What more did you need?!” If you do nice things for others and somewhere, in the back of your mind, you’re thinking “someday this will come back to me”. Guess what? Someday is here, and it’s coming back to you! Don’t be like the guy in the hole and say no, then wonder why karma never came around.
Mamas, I’ve been working on this for years and it’s still hard for me to accept help. But the good news is, it’s getting easier! Sometimes it’s the little things, like a couple of months ago I let a stranger help me carry groceries to the car. But sometimes it’s the big things, like asking my husband for emotional help when I was feeling helpless at the beginning of this pandemic. Now, things are a little different at the moment with coronavirus, and I wouldn’t let a stranger help me carry my groceries at the moment (or help by touching any of my stuff, really). But there’s plenty of new ways I’m learning to ask for, and accept, help in this time.
Ultimately, here’s what I believe: the more we accept help, the more other people will be encouraged to offer help, again and again. And the more people offer help, the stronger our communities will be. And the stronger our communities are, the better our world we be. So do the world a favor: say yes to help.