What this revolutionary approach to sharing means for my daughter
Some mamas reading this will think I’m nuts, but I think that’s because we’ve been so ingrained with the idea that teaching kids to share is an essential part of toddlerhood. So here we go: I don’t force my daughter to share. If she’s at the playroom and a random kid comes up and wants a toy she has, I don’t make her give it up. Nope. Why? Let’s say someone lent you a book you were so excited to read. You went to the café, sat down, and started chapter 1. You’re a few pages in and someone comes over to you and says, “now, now, see that woman next to you? She’s also very excited to read that book. So why don’t you give it to her, and you can have it back when she’s done.” You’d probably say something using words you aren’t teaching your kids to say.
Let me be clear: I do think learning to share is important. But when and how we teach sharing is an important part of what kids learn. I think it’s fine (great, actually) if someone tries to take a toy from my daughter, and she grabs it close to her chest and says “No, I’M playing with it”. Because it teaches her to stand up for herself, and that’s what I want for her. If right away I go over and tell her she has to share, I think it compromises that lesson. So instead I’ll say: “no, you don’t have to share that toy right now if you were playing with it. But do you think you could take turns when you’re done? Or can you find another toy they might like to play with?” With this (I hope) I’m encouraging her to think about the other person’s feelings without teaching her she has to sacrifice her own pleasure to do so. (Do any other mamas here feel like they were taught to put other people’s feelings before their own, or is that just me?)
There’s a fine line between teaching her to be compassionate and thoughtful, and teaching her to stand up for herself. But hey, raising kids is rarely black and white. While I’ll let her defend a toy in the playroom, I won’t permit her to take a toy away from someone else and then say “but I’M playing with it!” At home with her brother, I’ll ask her to share because he’s still a baby. But, I’ll always make sure to explain how he’s feeling because that’s when toddlers are motivated to share of their own free will. I’d like to teach her to share out of an intrinsic motivation to bring joy to someone else, not because mama told her to. I think this will teach thoughtfulness and compassion, and I hope it means she’ll demonstrate those behaviors even when I’m not looking.
Side note: recently Cimorene was playing with her similarly aged cousin. If we, the parents, were out of sight the two of them figured out sharing all on their own. They negotiated. They traded. They were impressively polite for almost-three and almost-three-and-a-half. Kids are much better at most things than we give them credit for, and sometimes we actually get in the way when we try and jump in at every moment and “help”. That’s probably a whole other topic though, so let me wrap up they key thoughts here:
Don’t force kids to share, but
Do teach them to be thoughtful of other kids’ feelings
There are always exceptions, know what yours are and why
Sometimes, leaving kids alone is the best and they’ll navigate sharing peacefully all by themselves