Sleep-Through-the-Night Sleep Training (and all the Mom Guilt)
It’s 2:30am and I am awake. I wish I was awake because I was on vacation with my husband and we were out Salsa dancing or having a cocktail at a beach bar … but, no. I’m awake because my 7-month-old son is awake. He is crying his adorable little head off, and I want to cry with him.
Hello, Sleep Training.
Hello, Mom Guilt.
Here’s the funny thing. I’ve read all the research. Compared all of the approaches. Talked to professionals and other mamas. AND I sleep trained my daughter two years ago. So: I know, he will be ok. But in this moment, I STILL feel guilty. What if I’m somehow damaging his ability to sleep in the long run? What if he doesn’t want to give me cuddles in the morning because I wouldn’t pick him up? What if he’s crying because this time, he really is hungry? What if he’s crying because he’s teething, and I just didn’t catch it? What if I totally messed up as a Mama? WHAT IF???
Alright mama, take a deep breath.
Every Mama has to do what’s right for her. And while I loved cuddling my little one in the middle of the night because it made me feel close to him, and because he’s just so damn cute, I knew I wasn’t taking care of myself.
I was tired. So, so, so tired. My husband was picking up the slack in the mornings when I couldn’t drag myself out of bed after having been woken up six times to nurse. SIX. My son was chipper as could be very first thing in the morning, but very, very quickly turned grumpy and needed a nap because he wasn’t getting enough sleep either. And I was getting by, but I wasn’t doing anything exceptionally well.
Sound familiar? So, what’s a mama to do?
Here are the five things I wish someone had told me when I started googling “how to sleep train” in the middle of the night.
Tip #1: Set yourself up for success.
Find the sleep training method that you’re most comfortable with. Just about all of them have the same principals – start with a consistent bedtime routine first, then after a while start the actual sleep training. We used the Ferber method, but cry it out isn’t for everyone. And that’s ok! Set yourself up for success by knowing what you can handle and what you can’t. Also have a plan for what you’re going to do when they wake up crying. Have a good book, a podcast, something. Because if you don’t, well that takes us to…
Tip #2: don’t google silly things, especially in the middle of the night.
If you’re like me, in the middle of sleep training when the going gets rough probably start googling “is sleep training dangerous for my baby?”. That’s no good for anyone, because seek and ye shall find. Just put the phone down. Seriously. Even if you’re reading this in the middle of the night, put the phone down right now and go read a historical romance novel, or the encyclopedia, or whatever it is that puts you in your happy place. Put on headphones and Lady Gaga. Stop googling and read this tomorrow.
Tip #3: Talk to other mamas who have done it.
Seriously. I thought I had the only 7.5-month-old still eating 4-6 times a night, but I wasn’t. Hearing stories from other mamas was validating and hearing how they got through it (or how some of them didn’t get through it) made me feel stronger.
Tip #4: Get your partner to help in whatever way is best for you.
Maybe they do the actual sleep training and you stay with a friend the first night or two. Or maybe they stay up with you and make you hot chocolate and cookies while you wait it out together. Or maybe they just leave the house all together and take your 2.5 year old with them. Yup, this is what we did. Why? Because my anxiety around my husband not getting a good night sleep (he is SUPER grumpy about his sleep) made it hard for me to stick it out.
Tip #5: If at first you don’t succeed...
I had tried sleep-through-the-night (STTN) training my son at least 4 times before, and none of them stuck. He wasn’t ready, I wasn’t ready, the situation wasn’t right. Stick with it for at least a few nights to a week, but if it’s not working for you or them it’s ok. Wait a little bit, and try again.
Other thoughts on STTN:
Sleep training to fall asleep at bedtime and to sleep through the night are DIFFERENT THINGS, even though the approaches are generally the same. My son has been putting himself to sleep at bedtime for months but wouldn’t put himself back to sleep in the middle of the night. If you’ve succeeded with bedtime but still aren’t getting sleep, this article helped me think through why.
I was also really worried about whether my son actually needed to nurse or if he was just waking up for comfort, and not feeling confident was part of why I failed the first few times I tried. This blog helped me think it through. Always talk to your primary care provider/pediatrician first, they can help you understand if your baby is physically ready.